1.21.2003
damn blogger and their stupid templates
i've been working on my new template for the past bazillion hours and it's not any good. so i just saved it and posted my old template back up until i have it the way i like it. so anyway...
i've been in a super shitty, cruddy mood lately. i'm not sure what it is. i guess it's part of the ups and downs. i don't know. i've just been feeling kinda ehhhhh lately. i'm not sure how much more i can verbalize (is that the word i'm looking for??? i don't think so) what my deal is except that i'm feeling like crap. i don't want to say anymore about it.
so i watched inside the actor's studio today, the one with mike myers... if you've never seen this show, it's on the bravo channel and andy makes me feel like the biggest nerd because i watch it. and admittedly, i feel like a nerd for watching it. anyway, with certain people, they make the show 2 hours long, and with mike myers, they did. in the beginning he talks about his childhood and what his father was like and all that stuff. anyway, about halfway through, the interviewer guy starts to talk about how alot of the people on there talk about how profoundly their lives change when they lose a parent, either by divorce or by death, and mike myers talks about how his dad died in '91. i guess, it's weird to think how losing a parent can be such a universal feeling. i guess maybe it would be different for people who barely knew their parent, or circumstances such as that, but i guess everyone can feel the same type of loss when a parent dies. i'm sure it is the same among parents who have lost children. they must all feel the same type of pain, too, meaning, they must all go through that "i should have gone first" stuff. well, the guy interviewing mike myers asked him how losing his father affected him, and i think he put it well when he said that when you lose a parent, you start to have to do the stuff that your parent did, for yourself. like he would go to his dad every week and tell him what he had done and his dad was the one who was always proud of him. so he had to start being proud of himself for stuff like that. if this isn't sounding too profound for you, it's probably because he said it better. i guess maybe it meant something to me because when my dad first died, all the normal thoughts went through my head and i started thinking about all the stuff my dad wasn't going to be there for. but the thing that really mattered and really killed me was that my dad wasn't going to be there for my college graduation. and that mattered because out of all the people in the world that really wanted us kids (meaning my brother and sister) to graduate from college, it was our dad (and my mom of course, but my dad was always the one who stayed on us about it), so it was mostly bitter sweet at my graduation. it meant alot for me to do it for myself, but i also know that it would have (and i'm sure it did --- because i believe in an afterlife) meant alot to my dad. i just think he hit it pretty right on and i knew what he was talking about. even though my dad wasn't there to see me graduate from college, i had to finish it and do it for myself... even though he wasn't there. but that's what mike myers meant. and i know the feeling. hmmmm..... i wonder if this stuff has to do with how i've been feeling lately.... geez, i wouldn't doubt it.
i've been working on my new template for the past bazillion hours and it's not any good. so i just saved it and posted my old template back up until i have it the way i like it. so anyway...
i've been in a super shitty, cruddy mood lately. i'm not sure what it is. i guess it's part of the ups and downs. i don't know. i've just been feeling kinda ehhhhh lately. i'm not sure how much more i can verbalize (is that the word i'm looking for??? i don't think so) what my deal is except that i'm feeling like crap. i don't want to say anymore about it.
so i watched inside the actor's studio today, the one with mike myers... if you've never seen this show, it's on the bravo channel and andy makes me feel like the biggest nerd because i watch it. and admittedly, i feel like a nerd for watching it. anyway, with certain people, they make the show 2 hours long, and with mike myers, they did. in the beginning he talks about his childhood and what his father was like and all that stuff. anyway, about halfway through, the interviewer guy starts to talk about how alot of the people on there talk about how profoundly their lives change when they lose a parent, either by divorce or by death, and mike myers talks about how his dad died in '91. i guess, it's weird to think how losing a parent can be such a universal feeling. i guess maybe it would be different for people who barely knew their parent, or circumstances such as that, but i guess everyone can feel the same type of loss when a parent dies. i'm sure it is the same among parents who have lost children. they must all feel the same type of pain, too, meaning, they must all go through that "i should have gone first" stuff. well, the guy interviewing mike myers asked him how losing his father affected him, and i think he put it well when he said that when you lose a parent, you start to have to do the stuff that your parent did, for yourself. like he would go to his dad every week and tell him what he had done and his dad was the one who was always proud of him. so he had to start being proud of himself for stuff like that. if this isn't sounding too profound for you, it's probably because he said it better. i guess maybe it meant something to me because when my dad first died, all the normal thoughts went through my head and i started thinking about all the stuff my dad wasn't going to be there for. but the thing that really mattered and really killed me was that my dad wasn't going to be there for my college graduation. and that mattered because out of all the people in the world that really wanted us kids (meaning my brother and sister) to graduate from college, it was our dad (and my mom of course, but my dad was always the one who stayed on us about it), so it was mostly bitter sweet at my graduation. it meant alot for me to do it for myself, but i also know that it would have (and i'm sure it did --- because i believe in an afterlife) meant alot to my dad. i just think he hit it pretty right on and i knew what he was talking about. even though my dad wasn't there to see me graduate from college, i had to finish it and do it for myself... even though he wasn't there. but that's what mike myers meant. and i know the feeling. hmmmm..... i wonder if this stuff has to do with how i've been feeling lately.... geez, i wouldn't doubt it.
