live well. laugh often. LOVE much.

so, we're back from northern california and it's my 2nd day back to work. i didn't come in on monday because i was still getting rebound migraine symptoms and i thought i would vomit everywhere. i think the stress of work is aggravating the migraine, but whatevs.

it was so nice to be away for those 4 days. we did all the great touristy things on saturday, drove lombard, went to union square, went to ghirardelli, visited fisherman's wharf and ate dinner there, went to china town and did a little shopping, and even had our palms read by a PSYCHIC. only me and ronald did it and i've always wanted to do it, but i've always been scared. and ronald was like "let's do it!" so i did. it was interesting. of course, i'm taking it with a grain of salt, but it was fascinating nonetheless.

we met the new gal in toto's life, and she's really nice. while we were at dinner, she asked us to tell her funny stories about toto, and i appreciate stuff like that. when we went to the casino, she sat and played on the machine next to me and we got to chat a little.

anyway, i'm ready to go home and tonight is LOST night. ugh, i hate how dark it is when i finally leave work.

the wireless internet connection here at the inn is sporadic, so i'm signing on long enough to type a short entry. it has been a good, comforting weekend. i'm a little sad to see it end.

i don't know what happened for thanksgiving with chakee and crissy's blog entries being what they are, but i know where you guys are coming from.

our flight leaves at 6pm, and we should arrive in long beach shortly after 7pm. goodbye san francisco, oakland, geyserville, and santa rosa. you are too friggin COLD for me...

probably because i've been working all morning trying to get ready to leave.

even though we aren't all going to be together, i hope everyone has a wonderful thanksgiving. even though we won't be together, i am unable to articulate how thankful i am to have such a wonderful family. we have our problems and our DRAMA, but in the end, i wouldn't have it any other way.

eat turkey and roast beef, and mashed potatoes and whatever else you guys are having at your thanksgivings enough for me, too!

it's funny how i keep seeing how true this is OVER and OVER again. as i'm trying to do laundry last night so that we can pack to go up north for thanksgiving, our dryer decided to stop working. totally figures.

i am so ready for a vacation. i've been living under some pretty intense feelings for the past couple of weeks, and it will be nice to get away. especially to a city i've never been to before! it's gonna be interesting eating thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant, but millions of people do it every year, i'm sure it will be fine-just not traditional. i'm leaving work early today to take care of a few things before we get ready to leave tomorrow.

gobble gobble.

such a tumultuous time. but i think i'm on my way to making things right. it's funny when you realize that you are DONE crying about someone or something. this whole job thing has left me frustrated, helpless, and now finally i have moved above that. i've been crying out of guilt, anxiety, frustration, pity for myself, and anger, but no more. no more crying for this job. it's stupid and it's not helping to propel me anywhere.

sometimes, you just have to finally realize that certain bullshit is not worth your heartache... or your tears.

i've been working on my resume for the past 2 hours. i'm now down to my skill set summary and i'm finding it's tougher than i imagined. it's like "here's my list of why i'm so bad ass." it's tough.

i have a friend that is having trouble with her boyfriend. i'm sad for her because i'm sure at 25 it is hard to think that this relationship that she has invested herself in for the past 2 years may not be what she thought it would be when it feels like she should be settling down some time soon. people are getting married later than they did 20 years ago. but it doesn't feel any better thinking you could still be alone at 30... or even still be alone at 35... or even worse, forever. i have friends that are still single at 32. this is not unusual, i don't think. but i think that is the age when women start believing they need to be DESPERATE to be married. at least in regard to your reproductive years, there's isn't this shitload of time left. anyway, the reason for this thoughtful diatribe is that amidst this career transition fullabaloo that i'm going through, andy has been fantastically awesome. not that i would expect any less, but not to get hokey or anything, but it impresses me daily how supportive we are with each other. by no means is our relationship perfect, or even anything that i would expect anyone to try to imitate, but on a day/weekend/month that i have felt so unsure about what i will do to continue receiving a paycheck and andy tells me with a wave of a hand "i don't care if you want to quit. if you are being treated badly, leave. fuck 'em." i can't help but feel lucky that there is someone standing in front of me that realizes what i do will affect him equally, but can show me with all certainty, that he has my back. i'm sad for my friend that she doesn't have this same reassurance. i know that the day i need to leave my job, double fingered in the air, guns blazing (a figure of speech), and i tell him "today was the day and i walked out" he will understand and back me. i'm lucky.

"Nobody's going to love me better...I'm going to stick with you...Forever"

it's been a busy weekend. i have to spend today working on my resume because no matter what happens, i don't think i'll be at my job any longer than the next month or two. come january 5th, i will have been at my job for 2 years, and i'm pretty positive that's the longest i've ever stayed at a job. the atmosphere there has turned into something sad, underhanded, and unproductive. one weekend is not long enough to recuperate. i'm so thankful that we are going up to napa valley for a few days.

i'm not so sure that i'm ready to tackle the holidays just yet. really? are we down to one month until christmas? ay dios mio.

i am stressed

i'm about to crack

i am far beyond DISGRUNTLED

i want to scream

i want to crawl out of my skin

i need to be in a work environment that is NOT like this

i want the EFF out

i am completely at a loss.

here's the update as to what i did the other night when i couldn't go to sleep. i stayed up to watch "mean girls" on demand. the hilarity of it was actually shocking! i thought it would be funny, like "oh, that's such a girl movie" funny, but it was like insanely funny. shocking. so, i stayed up until 6:30am watching it. nuts, right? but now i finally get the whole "I know, RIGHT?!" this is probably what it was like when neneng finally watched "Jerry Maguire" and got the whole "You had me at 'Hello.'" but neneng watched jerry maguire like 10 years late.

anyway, work still sucks, but of course, i don't expect anything else.

and me and cady have the whole name thing in common. boo for us.

why, on god's green earth, am i still awake??!!!?? neither andy nor i are working tomorrow (today, actually) so we stayed up to watch "robots" on pay per view. it was okay, but i couldn't help but almost fall asleep as we were watching. of course, once it was done, i passed out on the couch and andy stayed up to watch more tv. finally i woke up and andy and i go upstairs to go to bed. i laid in bed as wide awake as ever. i got out of bed and watched "wimbledon" which i had recorded on our DVR many moons ago and now here i am. STILL awake as ever.

i've had a lot to think about lately. death. my job. money. how to plan my vacation time appropriately. some of those topics, of course, are particularly more important than others.

i need to find a new career path. i can't even begin to explain the terror in that statement alone. i've been stressed about it lately, but i think i've finally hit the point of it keeping me up at night (notice how it's almost 4am). and what's even worse at this current moment in time is that i need to get out of my job. so, it's not even as though i can buy time trying to figure out what to do with myself while kicking it at a job and earning a paycheck. i don't like bitching and whining about stuff like this, but i don't even think the word "lost" can even encompass how i feel. or maybe i can't think clearly because it is unjustly early in the morning.

maybe i'll get in my car and go watch the sunrise at sunset cliffs. maybe i'll go drive and get some krispy kreme because i'm sure the hot light is on. maybe i'll get lucky and come across another sighting of that friggin awesome episode of jenny jones with that woman who had a phobia of buttons. maybe i'll lay in bed and read until i (hopefully) fall asleep.

i wish andy were awake, too. there's no other alone feeling like being the only one awake at ass crack o'clock in the morning.

i'm mentally exhausted. i wish i could just sleep for days and days.

i'm online right now trying to find a sympathy floral arrangement to send to the hunter family, but i've got a few obstacles in my way... one being that i can't find the church where the memorial service is being held. you just can't help but get caught up in all of it when someone (even a "distant" someone) dies. it's all so odd how it all ended up.

vegas was good fun, but tiring. i was gonna blog about it, but we got back at 9pm and i needed to get up early the next morning. and work has been a tension filled, tough atmosphere, so it has sucked the life out of me. anyway, here's some vegas (BABY!) highlights:

-who needs a steakhouse?
-do you want to come to room 2133? we're eating beef with broccoli and rice.
-shake your laffy taffy
-where's your devils covers?
-how can you eat ice cream when you're full? because it fills up the crevices.
-the snorting, almost exposed, annoying white girl
-ronald poll dancing in the tram back to luxor
-i was going to flush your phone down the toilet
-what signs do you see? "peggy sue's diner." oh! you guys are right behind us.
-my mom screaming when neneng hit the brakes
-telling the out of countriers that primm was vegas
-ate julie trying to get us to go to thunder down under
-riding the roller coaster on stratosphere after chickening out of the other ride
-seeing michael's baby and andy asking michael if this was his baby's momma's first child

that's all i got... the joy luck club is on and i have to watch it for the 24 millionth time.

oh, and because it's funny:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"