8.31.2005
outside insight
i had someone give me some extremely fascinating, and probably dead-on insight into who i am. i'm glad this person felt okay enough to bring this to my attention because it is not something i've ever really thought about. it's funny, i like to think i know who i am and that i've got a good amount of things figured out, but life really is a learning process.
i have a tough outer shell (this is not the revelation). i know this. i know i'm like this because it protects me. i know i only let a very small few into my life. sometimes i wonder how much moving when i was a kid has affected me. i don't even feel like i moved so much - not as much as other military kids. but i did have friends leave all the time and i think maybe that might have a lot to do with it. all these little things and details and moments culminate to make us who we are. sometimes i forget these things. sometimes i forget negative things that happened when i was younger and try to believe those things haven't changed or affected my psyche. but they did have something to do with who i am. there are things from my childhood that i know i don't talk about. that i don't share. it was an interesting therapy session today.
i miss my dad... and this still affects me even though i don't consciously think it does. i thought i was okay. and for the most part, i am. but the finality of death is so much more complex than the grieving process that i thought i had to get over 7 years ago. his absence is so salient. it such a part of our (mine, neneng's, toto's, and my mom's - even Andy and Ronald's) lives that i forget how much it is a part of my every day. i don't want people's pity. so i don't often talk about it. i am an adult who does not forget all the other wonderful things left in my life. but that doesn't fill the void. nothing will. i miss him and i don't think i ever thought about how much the anger overwhelms me. the day he died is still so burned in my memory that it might as well have been yesterday. i guess i always thought as the years went by that gave me less permission to grieve, to be sad. and i don't want to be that person that people whisper "geez, she still hasn't gotten over it??" i don't think i took care of myself properly the first time around. i'm happy now. and i'm happy with my life. but this doesn't make my dad being gone any less difficult. a little soul-searching might be in order. i think of my dad everyday. i wait for the next big event that i will think "this is another thing he's missing." i wait for the 3 of us to have children (including julena) where i will think, "they missed out on a great grandfather." i really try to step outside myself and believe that other people have gone thru this, this is not new. this is a part of life. but maybe that isn't and clearly wasn't enough. i just needed to take note of this. i acutally wasn't expecting to write all of what i was feeling.
but this was my revelation.
i have a tough outer shell (this is not the revelation). i know this. i know i'm like this because it protects me. i know i only let a very small few into my life. sometimes i wonder how much moving when i was a kid has affected me. i don't even feel like i moved so much - not as much as other military kids. but i did have friends leave all the time and i think maybe that might have a lot to do with it. all these little things and details and moments culminate to make us who we are. sometimes i forget these things. sometimes i forget negative things that happened when i was younger and try to believe those things haven't changed or affected my psyche. but they did have something to do with who i am. there are things from my childhood that i know i don't talk about. that i don't share. it was an interesting therapy session today.
i miss my dad... and this still affects me even though i don't consciously think it does. i thought i was okay. and for the most part, i am. but the finality of death is so much more complex than the grieving process that i thought i had to get over 7 years ago. his absence is so salient. it such a part of our (mine, neneng's, toto's, and my mom's - even Andy and Ronald's) lives that i forget how much it is a part of my every day. i don't want people's pity. so i don't often talk about it. i am an adult who does not forget all the other wonderful things left in my life. but that doesn't fill the void. nothing will. i miss him and i don't think i ever thought about how much the anger overwhelms me. the day he died is still so burned in my memory that it might as well have been yesterday. i guess i always thought as the years went by that gave me less permission to grieve, to be sad. and i don't want to be that person that people whisper "geez, she still hasn't gotten over it??" i don't think i took care of myself properly the first time around. i'm happy now. and i'm happy with my life. but this doesn't make my dad being gone any less difficult. a little soul-searching might be in order. i think of my dad everyday. i wait for the next big event that i will think "this is another thing he's missing." i wait for the 3 of us to have children (including julena) where i will think, "they missed out on a great grandfather." i really try to step outside myself and believe that other people have gone thru this, this is not new. this is a part of life. but maybe that isn't and clearly wasn't enough. i just needed to take note of this. i acutally wasn't expecting to write all of what i was feeling.
but this was my revelation.
