2.01.2003
old farm street
i haven't felt like blogging for the past few days. i've been pretty out of it, so every time i tried to blog (which was almost every day since my last blog), i could barely get myself to sit still for enough time to type an entry out. anyway, i'm suffering from a mild migraine right now, and it was blazing earlier, but i've had a nap and some food, so i'm a little better. anyway, andy and i went up to moreno valley today. we drove past our old house on old farm street, and it was a little weird to see. i drove past the junior high neneng went to when we lived there and i was pretty proud of myself for remembering how to get there. i took a picture of the house with my i-zone camera and showed it to my mom and my mom was pretty much like "oh, it looks the same." then she goes, "oh, that tree wasn't there before. where did that tree come from???" and i had to remind her that i wasn't the one who planted it, so i wouldn't know where it came from and that was enough information for her. she's a crazy lady. but she's my mother; ergo, i'm crazy, too.
we went up to moreno valley for the memorial service for kelley's daughter. it wasn't as bad as i was picturing it in my head to be (mostly because i was picturing it to be COMPLETELY horrible)... and THANK GOD it wasn't. i think i would have had a nervous breakdown if anyone really lost it. it was just sad and it was hard to think about that little baby and how much all those people were going to miss her. i was keeping it together for the most part, but when the singing started and this woman was singing the "jesus loves me (cause the bible tells me so)" song, it became too hard not to cry. and she also sang "amazing grace" which is reminiscent of my dad's funeral. :( hmmm... anyway, i don't really feel like typing all the details of what happened today, but i'm just really, really glad we went. i wish there was more i could do, but i can't create miracles, so the only thing i can do is just be here for her if/when she needs me.
so, this whole thing happening has really showed me how fragile life can be. not that i haven't really given death alot of thought, but with a little baby who wasn't even given the chance to live past 5 weeks, i can definitely see now that life really hangs in this delicate balance. i mean, everything in your life can change within a matter of minutes and everything you know that is absolute and concrete, no longer remains absolute and concrete. and even though i TRULY believe everything happens for a reason, which is something i've really learned and am getting better at accepting (i didn't dare saying this to kelley because this is NOT what people want to hear after they lose someone - make this a mental note if you ever get the urge to say this to someone after a loved one dies), today i actually got a glimpse that affirms my belief that we have people in our lives at different times for various reasons and it is all part of the giant plan. i mean, i completely hated it when we moved to moreno valley when i was in 4th grade. HATED IT. but i look back now, and had we not moved there, i wouldn't have ever met kelley, and you obviously see where i was going with this. anyway, i just really believe we have people in our lives for very specific reasons, and we learn from people, whether it is something about ourselves, about other people, good and bad lessons about how life works, or even just to fill something in our life that we didn't realize we needed. anyway, i just had a lot of thinking time, and i thought i'd share. i'm done talking. my headache is starting to worsen, so i should get some sleep now. it's been a rough week.............
i haven't felt like blogging for the past few days. i've been pretty out of it, so every time i tried to blog (which was almost every day since my last blog), i could barely get myself to sit still for enough time to type an entry out. anyway, i'm suffering from a mild migraine right now, and it was blazing earlier, but i've had a nap and some food, so i'm a little better. anyway, andy and i went up to moreno valley today. we drove past our old house on old farm street, and it was a little weird to see. i drove past the junior high neneng went to when we lived there and i was pretty proud of myself for remembering how to get there. i took a picture of the house with my i-zone camera and showed it to my mom and my mom was pretty much like "oh, it looks the same." then she goes, "oh, that tree wasn't there before. where did that tree come from???" and i had to remind her that i wasn't the one who planted it, so i wouldn't know where it came from and that was enough information for her. she's a crazy lady. but she's my mother; ergo, i'm crazy, too.
we went up to moreno valley for the memorial service for kelley's daughter. it wasn't as bad as i was picturing it in my head to be (mostly because i was picturing it to be COMPLETELY horrible)... and THANK GOD it wasn't. i think i would have had a nervous breakdown if anyone really lost it. it was just sad and it was hard to think about that little baby and how much all those people were going to miss her. i was keeping it together for the most part, but when the singing started and this woman was singing the "jesus loves me (cause the bible tells me so)" song, it became too hard not to cry. and she also sang "amazing grace" which is reminiscent of my dad's funeral. :( hmmm... anyway, i don't really feel like typing all the details of what happened today, but i'm just really, really glad we went. i wish there was more i could do, but i can't create miracles, so the only thing i can do is just be here for her if/when she needs me.
so, this whole thing happening has really showed me how fragile life can be. not that i haven't really given death alot of thought, but with a little baby who wasn't even given the chance to live past 5 weeks, i can definitely see now that life really hangs in this delicate balance. i mean, everything in your life can change within a matter of minutes and everything you know that is absolute and concrete, no longer remains absolute and concrete. and even though i TRULY believe everything happens for a reason, which is something i've really learned and am getting better at accepting (i didn't dare saying this to kelley because this is NOT what people want to hear after they lose someone - make this a mental note if you ever get the urge to say this to someone after a loved one dies), today i actually got a glimpse that affirms my belief that we have people in our lives at different times for various reasons and it is all part of the giant plan. i mean, i completely hated it when we moved to moreno valley when i was in 4th grade. HATED IT. but i look back now, and had we not moved there, i wouldn't have ever met kelley, and you obviously see where i was going with this. anyway, i just really believe we have people in our lives for very specific reasons, and we learn from people, whether it is something about ourselves, about other people, good and bad lessons about how life works, or even just to fill something in our life that we didn't realize we needed. anyway, i just had a lot of thinking time, and i thought i'd share. i'm done talking. my headache is starting to worsen, so i should get some sleep now. it's been a rough week.............
